What’s in Your Dressing Up Box?
I don’t usually take much notice of Halloween. But this year, seeing all the local children wandering around our neighbourhood, wearing their ghoulish masks, got me thinking about the masks we wear in our everyday lives. Not ghostly masks, but masks labelled things like ‘confidence,’ ‘competence,’ or ‘power.’
A Story
I’ll never forget my friend Amanda asking me to play piano at her wedding. This was a HUGE deal. You see, Amanda and her then fiancée are consummate musicians – both playing piano to a high standard having grown up in families where owning instruments, playing instruments and having instrumental lessons was the norm. Added to this, Amanda had gathered an ensemble of players for the wedding band who possessed a high level of technical ability.
I, on the other hand, didn’t know a single person who had music lessons when I was growing up. There was a piano at my friend’s house which nobody seemed to use, hidden as it was under piles of books. From the age of 6, I used to love having a go whenever I got the chance. Eventually, when I was 17, my parents bought me an electric keyboard and I didn’t look back, teaching myself to play using simple guitar chords and Elton John scores. To this day I can’t read music and possess zero technical ability.
So, what did I do when Amanda asked me to play at her wedding? Well, I practised like MAD and, on the day itself, I put on a mask of confidence and competence to get me through. I pretended like I knew I could do this and that I belonged on that platform with those other musicians.
And it paid off.
Was I feeling terrified underneath the confidence/competence mask? YES!
Did I truly believe I had the competence to deliver the level of performance required for this most special of days? NO!
After all, if I’d gone wrong, there was no musical notation that could bring me back on track. But fortunately, hours of practice, muscle memory and some useful ‘masking’ got me through.
Can you think of a time when you put on a mask, and it helped?
a mask of confidence for a presentation - even though you were nervous
a mask of power in a meeting - when actually you felt intimidated
a mask of calm for a difficult conversation - when in fact you felt angry
I’m not advocating ignoring how we feel – it’s important to acknowledge what’s going on for us. But perhaps sometimes wearing a mask is what it takes to get a job done well. Maybe an appropriate mask, worn at an appropriate moment, can help us grow.
We can tend to think that ‘masking’ is a bad thing, because it’s pretending, right? It’s not authentic. I’m not being my true self. But we can also get stuck with a rigid view of ‘who we are’ and end up using that to avoid trying new things.
What if you could adopt a childlike, playful approach to trying on different ‘masks,’ different qualities or behaviours?
In her article from 2015, ‘The Authenticity Paradox – Why feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth,’ Herminia Ibarra claims that by adopting an “adaptively authentic” style we can experiment with different approaches to our tasks. By trying out different masks, we can figure out what works best and what feels authentic for us.
She also claims that, while being too chameleon-like can leave us out of touch with our true personality and preferences, being too rigid can keep us from trying new things, which is how we learn and grow.
The full and fascinating article is here: https://hbr.org/2015/01/the-authenticity-paradox
So how about you? What tasks, conversations or challenges are you facing?
And is there a helpful ‘mask’ you could try on as you approach it? Can you get playful – trying out new ways of being, doing and relating?
Which of these ‘masks’ would be new for you?
Which might you ‘take off’ as an experiment?
listener talker confident hesitant contributor observer vulnerable
impervious challenger encourager leader follower curious
Try on a new mask! See what happens. And if it doesn’t work, there are plenty others in the dressing-up box.